FAIL

So today was one of those days where it just seemed like one giant failure after the next.  It started off with me struggling to finish my workout...I got so frustrated that I was banging my fist on the floor almost in tears because I couldn't do it!  I finally got so mad I just turned it off halfway through and went to get in the shower.  The day seemed to go downhill from there.

Jenna, my good friend, texted me with some really exciting news and I basically dumped all over her joy, which made me feel even worse.  To her credit she tried to be supportive and was very encouraging.  As I was eating lunch, I realized that it was a bunch of little things that by themselves weren't that big of a deal but lump them all together, suddenly it seemed very dramatic and then somewhat overwhelming.  But of course, the issue is never the issue.  Still not sure what it is but it goes deeper than what I was feeling.

Tonight was our regular Monday night girls night and once again it was a big FAIL for me.  I basically walked in and with little regard for them or what they were feeling backed up my dump truck full of crap and just dumped all over them....not so cool.  Needless to say, I made sure to apologize to them when I realized what I'd done as I was driving home.

All in all, today seemed like a waste.  But as I was laying here in my bed thinking about what I wanted to write about I realize once again that there is hope.  Hope for a brand new day, mistake-free, failure-free, and a whole host of other things.  And joy in having people in my life who continue to love me in spite of myself and my own selfishness.  So while I'm sooo grateful that today is over and I can put it behind me, I look forward to a new day tomorrow - a clean slate if you will.  Thank you Jesus for showing me that there is hope! And here's to looking forward to Tuesday...bring it on!

5 Days Down

So just a brief update - I started P90x on Monday and today was the 5th day!  I'm proud of myself for getting up early every morning and doing the workouts, even though sometimes I can't do all of the moves or as many reps as you're meant to do.  I know this will come in time.  I have to say that while its been a little easier than I thought (not that its easy in any way) and I'm not quite as sore as I thought I'd be.

But let me follow that up with this statement - my body hurts in ways I didn't know it could hurt.  I did a legs & back workout this morning and I'm pretty sure by the end of the day, I won't be able to walk normally.  And I'm exhausted....I don't get up this early and I feel like a zombie.  However, I feel like this is the test for me - will I stick with it?  Will I push through when it gets hard and I don't feel like it?  I have a hard time following through with things so I feel like this is the lesson that God wants to teach me.  So I will do my best to stay faithful and continue to get up early to follow the routines.  Jesus help!!

Leeaavving On a Jet Plane.....

Ok so I'm not leaving and certainly not on a plane...sorry for tricking everyone!  But my sister is.  Most of you know that my sister Tanya and her husband Lamar are moving to Peoria to help with a church plant.  In fact they will be moving in 4 weeks from tomorrow.  I've known that this day would come for quite some time and honestly, I've been ok with it.  Until now.

My whole life, I've been the one to move away.  No one else in my family has ever lived outside of Arthur.  Since I've been 18, I've moved away, come back for a few years, moved away again and so the pattern went.  I moved back to Illinois in 2001 and thought for sure I'd move on and yet I'm still here.  But that's not really the point of this post.  I guess its weird for me to be on the other end of the spectrum, knowing that they will be meeting new people, having new adventures, and I'll be here.  I'm super excited for them and know that this is what God has for them and can't wait to hear all the amazing stories.  By the way, here's a photo of them with the kiddos:

Part of me is jealous because they know what they're doing and get to go and live out God's plan for them.  But the thing that I'm the most sad about is that I won't get to see them as often as I do now.  Going and spending all weekend with them, our Sunday night hang-outs, having Tanya meet me for lunch, and the list goes on.  I know they are less then 2 hours away but me being the one that's left behind is new to me....so I'm feeling a bit emotional about it.  And let's be honest, I'm going to miss this little girl as well:

We always joke that she's my daughter....I hope she doesn't forget me!  So even though I'm sad, I just want to say that I wish them all the best and know that they are about to have one exciting adventure.  And hey, the good news is that I'll finally have my own room when I stay with them, and yes it's my room, not Amy & Eric's room!  And I'm pretty sure that Jenna and I will be spending a lot of time in Peoria this summer!

I Can't

These two little words seem to be used frequently by me.  Several months ago, a good friend of mine pointed this out to me when I said I cant, etc etc etc.  She looked at me and said, "well, actually you can.  You just don't want to!"  OUCH

But as I've pondered that, I realized how true that statement is and I've made strong effort to take those words out of my vocabulary.  Sadly, I've found them creeping back in as of late, particularly this week.

You see on Monday I started P90X and wow, did it kick my butt!  Yesterday was by far the hardest day and I realized that I have never felt like that before when I worked out.  My face was beet red, sweat was dripping, and I felt like I was going to pass out.  I was literally light-headed and even thought I might throw up.  I found myself saying, "I can't" over and over.  I wasn't able to do half of the workout.  Last night, as I was sitting in HJ, I was reminded of that and realized that quite possibly by telling myself I couldn't do something I had in fact failed at completing the workout.

This morning I decided I was going to be more positive and let me tell you, it went much better.  Even though I still wasn't able to do all of today's workout, I at least tried and did what I could.  I'm realizing that while I started this journey because I wanted to be healthier (and to wear smaller pants), I think that God has something else in mind.  I get the feeling that this about so much more than weight loss and getting healthy - there's a lesson in here somewhere that God is trying and going to teach me.  So while I don't look forward to getting up early, and my body is sort of hurting right now, I am looking forward to is getting to the end of this cycle and seeing what God taught me over the course of this 90 days.  So as Tony Horton says at the beginning of each DVD "Bring it!!"

Death by Exercise

One of the things that has been so difficult for me over the past few months is the stress level that I've carried.  As I've been going to Healing Journey I've realized that I have a lot of anger and frustration that I need to get out.  So I started looking around for something that would enable me to do that in a healthy manner.  I used to run but I have a bad knee so I knew I couldn't do that without spending a lot of money as well as possibly doing even more damage to my knee.

So of my guy friends did P90x last summer and let me tell you, they all looked amazing when they finished the 90 day cycle.  I started asking questions and made the decision to tackle this workout.  I didn't realize that my friend Sarah is actually a Beach Body coach so she gave me some helpful hints as well.

This morning I got up at 6:30 to start my first day of working out.  First of all, I hate morning so getting up to exercise was not something I was looking forward to.  Overall, I felt good about it until I got to the ab section - let me just say I got my butt kicked.  I used to do Pilates so I'm pretty good at ab stuff but this one killed me.  I couldn't do half of the exercises and you're meant to do 25 reps of each.  All I can say is - thank God I don't have to do that workout every day! My goal is to make it through the 90 days and be able to drop 2 sizes by the time August rolls around.  So here's to getting up again tomorrow morning and getting my butt kicked all over again!

On a totally random note: I have 7 followers now!  Yay!!!

Unrecognizable

So today was one of the days where I just shake my head and laugh!  I went to church for a class this morning and while we were sitting in the Cafe, one of the guys that goes to one of our other campuses walked in.  As he walked toward me, he sort of did a double take and he proceeded to tell me that he almost didn't recognize me.  He said, "did you lose like 15 lbs or more?  Seriously, I didn't recognize you!"  I wasn't quite sure how I should take that...I mean was I a fattie before?

About an hour later, we were on a break and I went to the bathroom.  While I was in there I saw a woman who I'd been in the same group with and knew fairly well.  She didn't really speak to me and so I said hello.  She turned around and said "wow, I didn't recognize you!  You've lost a ton of weight!"  Really???  I didn't know what to think but all I could do is laugh.

I mean, when someone says that to you, how do you take that?  I'm never sure whether I should be complimented or  not but I guess its good that I'm skinny, huh??  The sad thing is people then want to know what I'm doing...how do I say it's stress and life circumstances?  Oh well...that's life right?

A New Attitude

I feel like my life has changed in the course of 2 days!  Ok, that might be a bit dramatic but...maybe not my life as much as my attitude.

There are 2 women in my life who I've been lucky to be in relationship with for the past few years and I am so fortunate to be able to call them friends.  This week they spent some time doing some healing prayer with me and omigoodness...wow!  I've done this with them before but it's been several months and I knew it was long overdue to pray through some issues I was having/have.  While I knew it would be a good thing, I also was a bit fearful.  Can I just say it was amazing?  I mean, it always is but this time...well, I woke up the next day and I literally felt lighter and happier than I'd felt in months.  I know that both of them would say it was Jesus, not them but they were obedient to pray so I feel like they played a big part in it as well.  As we were praying, they both shared some really exciting things with me about my future so I'm looking forward to seeing where it's going to go.  No specifics but I'm really hopeful again.

And then yesterday and today the weather was amazing!  I even busted out my sandals today and opened my sunroof at lunch!  I feel like that's the perfect way to end a great week!

I'm Thankful

Today was one of those days when I was reminded of how lucky I really am and that no matter what happens, I have hope.

I recently changed jobs and have been building relationship with the people (P and J) who work across the hall from me.  I don't believe that either one of them are Christians but they both know I am.  J has shared a bit of her life with me and has been open to what I've had to say about Jesus.  A few weeks ago, her brother was hit by a car and she immediately texted me and asked me to pray.  She's continued to share things with me and texts me to ask for prayer, etc.  Unfortunately, today at lunch, her brother passed away.   She texted me to let me know but as of now I haven't heard back from her.  I know that somehow God is going to use this.

I've also been working part-time at Loft and have been building relationships with the people there.  Most of them don't love Jesus either but are totally open to talking about it and several of them have asked for prayer on more then one occasion.  Today when I got the text from J it turned out that several of them knew the cousins of the boy who died and it threw them into absolute meltdowns.  I stood there helplessly while I listened to them cursing and crying, talking about how crazy this was and they didn't know how much more they could handle and it wasn't fair, etc etc.

In that moment, I realized that I had something they didn't..I have hope!  Even though my life seems rough right now, I know that I can pray and give it all to Jesus and He will take that from me.  I have hope that some day soon, life will turn around and I will find my joy.  But they don't have that...they are broken individuals who are relying on their own strength to get them through.  I really care about these people and I don't believe for one second that it's a coincidence that they are in my life in this particular moment in time.  I don't know how it will turn out or how God will use this, but I know that He will. 

Little Blue Boxes

I think almost everyone knows about the little blue boxes.  I've always dreamed about someday going to Tiffany's and picking out something special.  Well, a few years ago I was given a Tiffany's bracelet....right off the arm of a woman who I only knew casually.  What?  I know it sounds crazy...let me explain!

2007 was the beginning of a few years of rough going.  I was at church for an event and this woman walked up to me and told me that every time she'd seen me over the past few weeks, she felt the Lord prompting her to give me her bracelet (I'd admired it previously).  She gave it to me along with a promise she felt like God had give her for me.  She gave me the bracelet and when she put it on, she told me that she felt like it was to be a reminder to me that God had someone special for me and that I shouldn't lose hope.  You see, I'm single and have never been married, although its something I've dreamed about for a long time.  I burst into tears on the spot because I'd just had a conversation with a good friend about 20 minutes before.

That bracelet has become one of my most prized possessions.  Some days I put it on because I need to be reminded that there is hope, not just in regard to marriage but to life in general.  I feel like I need to wear that bracelet every waking moment right now.  You see, I met someone recently, and thought wow God, this is it!  This is the one you've had for me....but then it ended.  I still miss him, sometimes so much I can't stand it.  But when I look at that bracelet I'm reminded of that promise and tell myself that I'll get past this too because I have hope!  Not to mention a very cool Tiffany's bracelet!

Today is Valentine's Day and I'm not gonna lie and say it was easy but it wasn't as hard as I thought it might be.  Somehow I made it through another year of being alone and have hope that next year I'll have someone to spend it with and if not, well then there's the year after right?

Kind of exciting

So I have 4 people following my blog now...I think that's kind of exciting!  And my blog has been viewed 345 times since I started it.  I'm guessing mostly by my sisters but still....  And I got my first comment from someone I don't know - from England!  Someday I hope to have 10 followers! Ahh such loft goals I have!  But seriously, to my 4 followers... thank you!  And if I bore you - well please don't tell me! ha

Valentine's Day

I realize it's not for another week, and to be honest as a single person....well, let's just say that I'm not really looking forward to it.  Especially because this year, it seemed as though I might actually have someone to spend it with but...that's another story for another day.

I was watching TV tonight and of course, there were all these commercials for Valentine's Day and one of them said something about giving her the best Valentine's Day ever!  Which made me think about the most memorable Valentine's Day I ever had.

It was back in 2000 and I was in India.  I know, I know, its hard to imagine have the best ever V-day in India but I did.  I'd taken a team of 6 girls and we were almost at the end of our 2 month stay there.  Before we left the States, Katlynn (one of my team members) and I had bought a bunch of cards and candy to take with us to celebrate.  We didn't tell the rest of the team because we wanted it to be a surprise.

So the big day arrived and the girls knew we were doing something special but they didn't know what!  We'd also decided to invite the 4 members of the Indian staff that we'd worked with and I'm not sure who was more excited - us or them!  We went to this restaurant on the beach that we'd had coffee house at every Saturday night since our arrival in India.  Katlynn and I went early and arranged the candy and cards and we'd even stopped and bought roses for everyone.  It was the most fun we had our whole trip.  Everyone was so excited - the look on their faces was priceless.  We had a nice dinner and then after dinner, we went around the table and shared all the things that we appreciated about one another.  I'd given them all an assignment that they had to write notes to one another telling the others what they appreciated about them or something to encourage them with!  It  was an incredible time of bonding and I know that each one of us was incredibly blessed by that night - I still have those notes that the girls wrote to me and still put them out on occasion for old times sake!  I also have some really great pictures but unfortunately, that was before I joined the digital era!

After we got back to Denver, we talked about that for a long time.  I mean come on, spending V-day on the beach, with the ocean air and the breeze with waves crashing in the background.....it will take a lot to top that!

So for now, that's the best V-day I've ever had and someday perhaps, I'll be able to share it with that someone special but until that day arrives, I will continue to remember Valentine's Day 2000 fondly.

It's Finally Done

So I wrote about the "hat from hell" and I thought I needed to do a follow up so this is going to be short and sweet!

I looked for another cute pattern online and decided that I need to learn to do a cable stitch.  Anyway, I found a pattern that I liked and finished it literally 5 minutes ago.  So here's a picture of the "hat from hell"

I hope that my sister likes it....if not she better never tell me! Ha

Memories

Yesterday a good friend of ours (my sisters & I) posted a status on Facebook that got me thinking.  She posted about my brother, who passed away almost 16 years ago now.  Jenn has known us her whole life and is BFF's with my youngest sister.  And to make the connection even closer, her brother was one of Wendall's best friends.  Quite the connection I'd say.

Jenn posted about how she remembered him because he told her how pretty she looked when she curled her hair.  That was one of the last things he said to her and she thinks about that every time she curls her hair.  It started this whole thread of memories that other people had about my brother.  It was really sweet to hear all the things that people had to say about him and how much he meant to them.

One of my most favorite memories of him (and I promise it is funny, even though it may not sound like it at first) was when he came out of his last surgery.  He'd been in ICU and couldn't talk because he had a collapsed lung.  He was sitting in a chair and when I walked in, he was sitting there in a pink and gray gown with circulation hose on his legs.  I looked at him and said, "Nice gown, now all you need is a pink handbag and pumps!"  Without missing a beat, he just looked at me and gave me the finger!  I don't know why but I still laugh every time I think about that!  Even when he wasn't feeling well, he still had a great sense of humor.

But back to the reason for this post - as I was reading all the things that people said, it made me think about the kind of impact he had on people and I was left wondering if I have that same impact on people?  If I were gone tomorrow, what would people say about me?  Would it be positive?  Or would the negative outweigh the positive?  Would the last thing I say to them be such a postive memory?  Even the I've been struggling recently, my hope is that as I move forward, I can change my circumstances into something positive and some day waaaaay down the road, when I'm no longer here....people will have the same kind of memories about me that they have about Wendall.