I know it's been several weeks since I've blogged but my Internet has been and still is down!:( But alas, my computer has been staying with Aubrey and she's been gracious enough to let me come and visit on occasion.
It's probably best that I haven't been able to blog because I've been feeling very blah and it really ramped up last week. I realize that everything that has happened over the past 6 months has made a much deeper impact on me than I'd been willing to admit. I realize how much my heart has been hurting with all the transitions and it really came to light tonight.
I was sitting with Jessica and Megan (2 of the girls in my discipleship group) and listening to them share about where they were at and what they were looking forward to. My heart sort of broke in that moment because I realized that I didn't feel as though I had the same things to look forward to. Honestly, we are all in different places and I know that someday I will be there as well but it's just where I was in that moment. At the end of our time, they asked me where I was and I just broke down in tears. I didn't really want to share but they wanted to know so I sort of shared my heart and they asked if they could pray. As Megan prayed she said something that totally struck me. She prayed that God would give me hope, she said that it's all around Angie, on her finger, around her neck, in her bathroom, everywhere so please give that back to her. In that moment, I realized that somehow along the way, I've lost my hope.
When I started this blog it was for the intent of finding something that gave me hope every day and I feel as though that has gone by the wayside. I don't feel hopeful, I feel sad and defeated, and alone. I don't know that I've ever felt so alone in my life. As I write this, the tears are filling my eyes again because I'm also afraid about putting it out there and being so vulnerable about what I'm feeling. Jessica told me that I'm always strong and sometimes its ok not to be...hmmm that's hard for me. But I also know that when you share where you're at, its no longer secret and Satan can no longer speak lies to you.
So I want to go back to the beginning and try to start again - I want to find something that gives me hope each and every day!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
To Judge or Not to Judge
This past weekend I went to Morton to stay with Tanya because Lamar was out of town. We had a really relaxing weekend, hanging out with the kids and doing a bit of shopping. We went to BW3's for dinner on Saturday which we both love, and then got a movie and went back to their house.
Lamar came back on Saturday night so we'd planned to go to church the next morning. But it was storming and everyone was tired so we opted out. Lamar eventually decided he wanted to go to Cracker Barrel for breakfast but there was a pretty big wait, so we went to Steak N Shake.
The waitress came to our table almost immediately and she was pretty attentive. When she walked away to get our drinks, Tanya mentioned that she had some coupons (shocking I know) and so we started looking through them to see what we could find. When the waitress came back we were still going through them and that's when the change happened. After that, she wasn't very attentive and barely came back to the table to check up on us.
As we were leaving Lamar made the point that once she saw the coupons, she pretty much made a snap judgment about us! Never mind that most people are doing what they can to cut costs these days but we felt like the minute she saw those, she pegged us as people who couldn't afford to eat out and had no money.
I was thinking about that on Sunday afternoon when I was driving home. I'm really not unlike that waitress. I make snap judgments all the time about people and about 75% of the time, I'm way off. I realized how upset I was when I realized what the waitress was thinking about me and was really convicted about how I must make people feel. And now I'm going to be totally honest and tell you that judgement is the one thing I've struggled with my entire life. It's gotten better over the years but it's always there in the back of my mind. I hate that about myself but its also made me work really hard to overcome it.
As I've been thinking about that, I was reminded of the post my sister wrote about allowing negative thoughts to come in and how they can take over our thought processes. I realized that I allow that to happen way to often which then makes me even more judgmental...kind of a vicious cycle. Anyway, I'm not sure that I've come to any resolution about this except to say that because I'm aware of it, I now am hopeful that I will begin to see a change. Who knew Steak N Shake could be so deep?
Lamar came back on Saturday night so we'd planned to go to church the next morning. But it was storming and everyone was tired so we opted out. Lamar eventually decided he wanted to go to Cracker Barrel for breakfast but there was a pretty big wait, so we went to Steak N Shake.
The waitress came to our table almost immediately and she was pretty attentive. When she walked away to get our drinks, Tanya mentioned that she had some coupons (shocking I know) and so we started looking through them to see what we could find. When the waitress came back we were still going through them and that's when the change happened. After that, she wasn't very attentive and barely came back to the table to check up on us.
As we were leaving Lamar made the point that once she saw the coupons, she pretty much made a snap judgment about us! Never mind that most people are doing what they can to cut costs these days but we felt like the minute she saw those, she pegged us as people who couldn't afford to eat out and had no money.
I was thinking about that on Sunday afternoon when I was driving home. I'm really not unlike that waitress. I make snap judgments all the time about people and about 75% of the time, I'm way off. I realized how upset I was when I realized what the waitress was thinking about me and was really convicted about how I must make people feel. And now I'm going to be totally honest and tell you that judgement is the one thing I've struggled with my entire life. It's gotten better over the years but it's always there in the back of my mind. I hate that about myself but its also made me work really hard to overcome it.
As I've been thinking about that, I was reminded of the post my sister wrote about allowing negative thoughts to come in and how they can take over our thought processes. I realized that I allow that to happen way to often which then makes me even more judgmental...kind of a vicious cycle. Anyway, I'm not sure that I've come to any resolution about this except to say that because I'm aware of it, I now am hopeful that I will begin to see a change. Who knew Steak N Shake could be so deep?
Friday, June 3, 2011
This and That
I know it's been a while since I've blogged but as I feel as though there isn't much going on right now. I guess there are always things I'm processing internally but nothing I'm ready to share.
This past weekend was Memorial Day and I had to work on Friday night and Saturday afternoon/evening. I have to say that I really enjoy the ladies I work with at the Loft. Yes, it's a job but some days it's just a lot of fun. Saturday was one of those days. I got to work with Melanie, Rachel and Nina and it was a good time. I talked them into ordering pizza and in between laughing and eating, we actually had a great time styling our clients.
Sunday I met Jenna and her sister Emily & her husband and Owen for lunch. It was nice to see them and catch up since it had been a while. That night we went and hung out with a good friend, who graciously made us dinner and then we went to see Bridesmaids. OMG - this movie is hilarious. There are some slightly inappropriate moments if you can get past those, this movie will make you cry its so funny.
Monday I helped some friends move and then went to the Larson's for an amazing cookout. They made chicken and steak fajitas which were unbelievable. We played bocci ball which I won and then croquet. I didn't do so well at croquet. Afterward, I went to hang out with a my good friend Christina and we chatted the night away.
As I'm writing this, I'm realizing how blessed I am with so many different and yet amazing people in my life. I feel as though I've waited my whole life to have the types of relationships that I have now. I have people who love me know matter what and who will speak into my life when I need them to, will cry with me, laugh with me, pray with me. I'm so grateful for all of the people who love me just where I am.
This past weekend was Memorial Day and I had to work on Friday night and Saturday afternoon/evening. I have to say that I really enjoy the ladies I work with at the Loft. Yes, it's a job but some days it's just a lot of fun. Saturday was one of those days. I got to work with Melanie, Rachel and Nina and it was a good time. I talked them into ordering pizza and in between laughing and eating, we actually had a great time styling our clients.
Sunday I met Jenna and her sister Emily & her husband and Owen for lunch. It was nice to see them and catch up since it had been a while. That night we went and hung out with a good friend, who graciously made us dinner and then we went to see Bridesmaids. OMG - this movie is hilarious. There are some slightly inappropriate moments if you can get past those, this movie will make you cry its so funny.
Monday I helped some friends move and then went to the Larson's for an amazing cookout. They made chicken and steak fajitas which were unbelievable. We played bocci ball which I won and then croquet. I didn't do so well at croquet. Afterward, I went to hang out with a my good friend Christina and we chatted the night away.
As I'm writing this, I'm realizing how blessed I am with so many different and yet amazing people in my life. I feel as though I've waited my whole life to have the types of relationships that I have now. I have people who love me know matter what and who will speak into my life when I need them to, will cry with me, laugh with me, pray with me. I'm so grateful for all of the people who love me just where I am.
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