Back to the Beginning

I know it's been several weeks since I've blogged but my Internet has been and still is down!:(  But alas, my computer has been staying with Aubrey and she's been gracious enough to let me come and visit on occasion.

It's probably best that I haven't been able to blog because I've been feeling very blah and it really ramped up last week.  I realize that everything that has happened over the past 6 months has made a much deeper impact on me than I'd been willing to admit.  I realize how much my heart has been hurting with all the transitions and it really came to light tonight.

I was sitting with Jessica and Megan (2 of the girls in my discipleship group) and listening to them share about where they were at and what they were looking forward to.  My heart sort of broke in that moment because I realized that I didn't feel as though I had the same things to look forward to.  Honestly, we are all in different places and I know that someday I will be there as well but it's just where I was in that moment.  At the end of our time, they asked me where I was and I just broke down in tears.  I didn't really want to share but they wanted to know so I sort of shared my heart and they asked if they could pray.   As Megan prayed she said something that totally struck me.  She prayed that God would give me hope, she said that it's all around Angie, on her finger, around her neck, in her bathroom, everywhere so please give that back to her.  In that moment, I realized that somehow along the way, I've lost my hope. 

When I started this blog it was for the intent of finding something that gave me hope every day and I feel as though that has gone by the wayside.  I don't feel hopeful, I feel sad and defeated, and alone.  I don't know that I've ever felt so alone in my life.  As I write this, the tears are filling my eyes again because I'm also afraid about putting it out there and being so vulnerable about what I'm feeling.  Jessica told me that I'm always strong and sometimes its ok not to be...hmmm that's hard for me.  But I also know that when you share where you're at, its no longer secret and Satan can no longer speak lies to you.

So I want to go back to the beginning and try to start again - I want to find something that gives me hope each and every day!