Will I Ever Learn?

This is the question I asked myself tonight when I was driving home from Loft.  But first, a little back story!  I've been working at CAT since the beginning of the year and yesterday my boss told me that I was going to be laid off!  R u kidding me?  I held it together until I got in the car.  I was driving to Champaign to see a friend and couldn't stop crying - I also said a few words I probably shouldn't have but I figured God understands.

I spent the night laughing and chatting which was what I needed but driving back home, I was once again hit with all kinds of emotion and the tears began to flow.  It was really hard for me to go to work today but I did it.  I was pretty teary this morning and then came the official invite to talk to my representative.  He broke the news to me that I was indeed going to be laid off!  Side note: he was pretty cute so that was an added bonus!   Anyway, he told me my recruiter was expecting to hear from me and when I was ready I should contact her.

Let's just say that I decided sooner rather than later was better.  I emailed Kasey and she immediately responded, saying that she was sorry but with my experience I'd be a top contender and oh by the way, there is position opening at our office, would you be interested?  Umm what?  Less than an hour after being told I was being laid off, I had another job offer.  It's not a definite yet cause there are some details to work out.  And even if I don't get this position, suddenly I was reminded that I do have options and God does care about me.

I mean here I am freaking out, wondering why this has happened and what am I going to do?  And then in just that short period of time, God had already shown me that it was going to be ok, that He will provide for me.  I mean, how many times has He done this in the past?  Why do I always respond the same way instead of remembering how He took care of me the last time?  It was a good reminder for me to take a step back, breathe deeply, and remember that God really does care about me and has a plan for me even when I can't see it.

Still not thrilled about the lay off, but God has already taught me something through it so for that I'm grateful!

Birthday Eve

Tomorrow is a big day for me...it's my birthday!  But not just any birthday...its my 40th birthday!  It pains my greatly to type that because honestly, I never thought I'd be here at 40!  I thought I'd have a husband, kids, a house, etc etc but somehow I have none of those things.   Frankly, most days I'm OK with it but some days, it's painful at how much I long for that.  However, that's not the point of this post.

This past weekend we went to Michigan to my cousin's lake house and got to hang out with our cousins who we don't see a lot.  I spent a lot of time in Indiana so they're like family to me but for my sister's it was a time to re-connect with them.  And let me tell you - we had a good time reconnecting! :)

As we were walking to the dock to let the kids go wading, I was overwhelmed with smells and scenes from my childhood.  When I was growing up, we used to go to the lake for at least 1 week every summer and sometimes 2.  It was the best - we spent all day in the water and wore our swimsuits without any embarrassment, had sunburn upon sunburn, and ate our lunch while hanging over the dock.  Everything about this weekend reminded me of that and how much fun we had with our cousins!  This was a chance for my nieces and nephews to have those same memories with their cousins. 

It reminded me of how much things have changed since then (and yep, I'm about to sound really old here).  We didn't have DVD players to watch movies while we travelled, DSI's to play video games, or cell phones to text our friends and upload pics of the fun we were having.  Part of me thinks that maybe it was a little better for us because we weren't distracted by all those things but we could live in the moment.  Either way, our time at the lake always had a special place in my heart and I was reminded of that again multiple times throughout our visit.  It made me think about how blessed I am to get to make memories like that all over again and how much I hoped that the kiddos would look back on it with as much joy as I do! 

I kept thinking about this post numerous times and what I wanted to say - I was rewriting it over and over in my head.  Finally, I realized that all I really wanted to say is that even though my life doesn't look like I thought it would look, I've made a lot of really cool memories over the last 40 years, cried a lot of tears (more than I care to remember), and have a lot to be grateful for!  So what if it's not what I thought it would be?  It never is, is it?  So I promise to try to put my big girl panties on, get over it, and smile with as much grace as I can muster because after all, its just a number right?

Overwhelmed by Goodness

Everyone has been asking me, "So how's the move been?  How are you feeling about Peoria now?"  It's been hard to answer because I hadn't really been here for more than a few days at a time.  But now I've been here for almost 2 weeks and was reflecting on the move last night.  I was feeling kind of sorry for myself and a bit lonely because I don't really have any friends here, I don't know the city very well, I don't have a real job, etc etc.

Tonight I feel like I'm in a completely different place.  I'm so overwhelmed by the goodness of God and don't even know what I'm feeling.  I got a full-time job this morning and it's a really good job with potential for growth, etc.  In a way I feel guilty because I know there are people here who have been trying to find jobs for several weeks now and I've barely been looking and I got a job already!  At the same time, a part of me was questioning whether or not I made the right decision and I feel like today really confirmed to me that I DID make the right decision!

There are so many emotions right now that I'm not even sure I can adequately put into words how I'm feeling.  Except that I'm very grateful for God's provision in my life right now!!

I am excited to see what else God is going to do in the next few weeks!

New Year.....New Hope

I've never been more ready to start a new year than I was this year.  2011 really kicked my butt and I couldn't wait to start a new year and move on.  As I've been pondering what the new year will look like, I've been trying to figure out all the things I want to do this year.  There's another reason why I've been pondering 2012 so much - this year I'm turning 40!  I can hardly believe it cause in my heart I feel as though I'm in my mid 20's and I know that's the age I act most days.

But seriously, I can hardly believe that I'm turning 40!  More than anything I want to have fun this year, I want to travel again, I want to hang out with my girlfriends and build stronger relationships.  I could go on and on with a list of things I want to do this year but I won't bore you.

I have great anticipation for this year and can't wait to hear what's happening with the rest of you as well!

Saying Goodbye...

So I'm behind on my gratitude blog but I'm moving so I think that makes it ok....

I'm almost finished packing and everyone keeps asking me how I feel about moving and I honestly don't know!  I'm looking forward to the changes but feel sad about leaving Champaign.  I've spent a lot of time here and it seems weird to be leaving but I know it's time to move on.  So I guess you could say I'm happy and sad at the same time.

I had an interview yesterday and I felt good about it but who knows?  It's always hard to tell when you're in an interview if they really like you or if they are just being polite.  I suppose time will tell.

Anyway, I digress....as I was packing tonight I realized that I have a lot of stuff and that stuff holds a lot of memories.  I guess if I'm honest, right now I'm feeling emotional about the whole thing but I also know that in a few weeks I'll look back and be thrilled that I stepped out and made the move!

Day 9 - Inspiring Person

So this post was not difficult for me to write at all!  When I looked at this blog initially I knew this would be the easiest one for me to write.  The only thing is there isn't just one person, there are 3 people who have had a major impact on my life.

The first one is my friend Robyn.  She was my small group leader in Denver and she showed me what it meant to be in real relationship with Jesus.  I always loved Jesus but Robyn showed me what that really meant.  She also helped me through the first year after my brother's death and held my hand while I cried, listened to me rant and walked me through a lot of other issues.   For that I can never say thank you enough!  Here's my dear friend:




The next person is my friend Tori.  We lived together for a little while and we had a lot of fun.  The reason she made such an impact on my life is because she was the first person in my life who told me the truth.  She sat me down one night and told me some very harsh truths about myself and then she said I love you in spite of this.  I was so angry at her, that she would dare to speak to me like that.  By the next morning, I realized that what she said was true and was able to go back to her and thank her for speaking truth to me.  When she left, she left a big hole in my life and even though we haven't seen each other for a number of years, we are still close and I love her dearly!  I will forever be grateful to her for speaking truth to me.  And here's my beautiful friend:



And then there's Pam.  I worked with Pam for almost 10 years.  We started out as women who worked together and she became like a sister to me.  This woman has been such an amazing part of my life.  I've always told her she's the American version of Robyn!:)  She has taught me so many things over the years and walked me through some of the most difficult periods of my life (outside of losing my brother) and I know that she will always be a part of my life no matter where I am!  We have laughed, cried, shared our hearts and our lives, learned together, and the list goes on and on.  Here's the two of us at Christmas last year:



I love these women so much and each one of them have made such an impact on me.  I wouldn't be the woman I am today without their wisdom and input.